Article 11: Imbalance of Power Between Men and Women

Introduction At the core of the mental load conversation lies an uncomfortable truth: power in heterosexual relationships is often unequally distributed. This imbalance isn’t always about who earns more or who makes the final decisions. It often hides in more subtle places — like who is expected to plan, manage, and emotionally tend to the household. Understanding how this power imbalance shows up is essential to building a truly equal partnership.

Power Isn’t Just About Control When people think of power, they often imagine authority — someone calling the shots or dominating conversations. But in relationships, power is more nuanced. It’s also about who carries the cognitive and emotional responsibilities, who adjusts their needs, and whose priorities take precedence. Power shows up in everyday decisions: Who stays home with a sick child? Who sacrifices work hours for family demands? Who keeps track of the social calendar?

Often, women hold less power not because they are less capable, but because they are expected to absorb more responsibilities by default — especially those that are invisible, like emotional labor, caregiving logistics, and anticipatory planning. Over time, these expectations shape the relationship’s balance.

Examples of Unequal Power Dynamics Power imbalances are woven into small, everyday interactions:

• A woman handles all the family communication with schools and doctors, while her partner isn’t expected to know the details.
  
  

• A man “helps out” with chores but waits to be asked, placing her in the role of manager.
  
  

• When a conflict arises, she worries about keeping the peace, while he feels free to disengage.
  
  

• Her career choices are shaped by childcare logistics, while his remain uninterrupted.
  
  

These imbalances may seem minor in isolation, but together they create a pattern where one partner carries more of the mental, emotional, and logistical load — and that partner is usually the woman.

Emotional Labor and Unequal Consequences Another sign of unequal power is emotional labor: the work of managing feelings — both your own and others'. Women are often expected to smooth over tension, remember how others feel, and take emotional responsibility for the family. If there’s a disagreement, she’s the one who must initiate repair. If someone is upset, she’s expected to notice and respond.

Men may have the freedom to compartmentalize or disconnect in moments of stress, while women are pressured to stay emotionally attuned. This dynamic isn’t just tiring — it can be deeply disempowering. It suggests that her role is to manage the emotional well-being of others, even at the cost of her own.

Real-Life Illustration Greg and Julie are both working parents. But when their youngest child gets sick, Julie is the one who automatically rearranges her schedule to stay home. Greg assumes she’ll handle it — not out of malice, but because that’s what usually happens. Julie reschedules meetings, cancels a dentist appointment, and still tries to get dinner on the table. When Greg comes home and asks how he can help, Julie feels exhausted and frustrated. The imbalance wasn’t just about the sick day — it’s about how she always ends up adjusting, and he never thinks to.

This isn’t about blaming Greg. It’s about the structure they’ve fallen into — one where she holds less power because she’s expected to carry more.

Why This Goes Unseen Power imbalances are hard to notice because they’re normalized. If you’ve grown up in a world where women are expected to manage the home, care for others, and be emotionally available, then it seems natural — even admirable — when a woman takes on these roles. But natural doesn’t mean fair.

When one partner has the option to disengage while the other must stay alert, that’s a power imbalance. When one partner can ignore the details while the other tracks them all, that’s a power imbalance. When one partner is praised for “pitching in” while the other is expected to run the show — that’s power, hidden in plain sight.

Challenging the Dynamic Redistributing power in a relationship means more than sharing tasks. It means sharing responsibility, mental energy, and emotional investment. It means:

• Noticing where your partner adjusts and where you assume
  
  

• Taking ownership of tasks without being asked
  
  

• Initiating emotional check-ins instead of waiting for her to bring it up
  
  

• Reflecting on how your choices affect her bandwidth, time, and peace of mind
  
  

Reflection Prompt Where in your relationship do you have the freedom to opt out, while your partner stays engaged? What responsibilities do you assume she’ll handle — and why?

Conclusion Power in relationships doesn’t always look like control. Sometimes, it looks like freedom — the freedom to disengage, to be forgetful, to take up space without consequence. When that freedom is only granted to one partner, the other pays for it with her time, energy, and mental well-being. Rebalancing the power starts with awareness — and continues with action.

Article 8: Reviewing Tasks and Mental Checklists

Introduction At the heart of the mental load is the constant mental reviewing — running through checklists, double-checking tasks, and assessing what’s next. This process is rarely seen but is crucial to making sure nothing falls through the cracks. Reviewing is more than glancing at a to-do list; it’s a form of mental project management that keeps the entire household operating smoothly.

The Mental Checklist Loop Many women are engaged in a nonstop internal dialogue: “Did I remember the permission slip? Is there enough milk for tomorrow? Have the bills been paid? Is there a birthday coming up? Did I confirm the sitter?” These aren’t just fleeting thoughts. They’re part of a deliberate cycle of review, prioritize, and act.

This checklist isn’t written down — it’s carried in her head. Every task completed leads to another that needs to be tracked. For example, finishing laundry may remind her that the kids have outgrown their pajamas, which leads to online shopping, which leads to updating the budget, which leads to thinking about next month’s expenses. It’s a domino effect of invisible review and action.

The Strain of Perfectionism and Vigilance Often, the mental review process is fueled by a pressure to make sure nothing gets missed — because if it does, she’s usually the one who gets blamed or has to fix it. This leads to hyper-vigilance. The stakes feel high because mistakes have consequences, and those consequences affect not just her, but the whole family.

This pressure creates an internal expectation of perfection: that she must keep everything running without flaw, all while staying calm and pleasant. It’s exhausting. The reviewing becomes less about keeping things organized and more about protecting everyone else from the stress of things going wrong.

Why She Keeps the Checklist in Her Head Many women keep their checklists to themselves not out of a desire for control, but because they’ve learned that sharing it often doesn’t help. If they try to explain all the moving parts, they may be met with confusion, dismissal, or even irritation.

When mental lists are shared, responses like “Just relax,” “That’s not a big deal,” or “I didn’t think of that” show that their labor isn’t truly being seen. Over time, this discourages open sharing of what’s on her mind. So she internalizes it all, carrying the full weight alone.

Real-Life Illustration Julie lies in bed and reviews the next day in her head. She’s mentally walking through drop-offs, pickups, meetings, dinner, and the groceries she forgot to get earlier. She remembers that her kid’s shoes are too small and mentally adds a trip to the store. She thinks about a birthday invitation that needs to be RSVPed to. Then she remembers the dog is overdue for flea meds. None of this is on paper — but it’s all in her head, demanding space and attention.

Meanwhile, Greg is already asleep. It’s not because he doesn’t care — it’s because he’s not carrying the checklist.

The Cost of Constant Reviewing This kind of mental load creates a persistent state of low-level anxiety. There’s always something to double-check, something forgotten, something left hanging. It leaves little room for rest. Even in downtime, her brain is still spinning through what needs to be done next.

This cognitive load drains emotional energy, impacts mood, and affects how present she can be in her relationships. It also explains why, at the end of the day, she may be mentally and emotionally unavailable — not because she doesn’t care, but because she’s already spent.

Reflection Prompt When was the last time you ran through a mental checklist for your home or family without being prompted? Try making a list now of what needs reviewing today — and ask your partner if there’s anything you can take over completely.

Conclusion Reviewing tasks and managing mental checklists is invisible labor that often goes unappreciated — but it’s essential. By recognizing this quiet but powerful form of effort, and stepping in to share it, you create not just a more balanced household, but a more connected relationship. The mental checklist shouldn’t belong to just one person — it’s time to carry it together.