Article 11: Imbalance of Power Between Men and Women

Introduction At the core of the mental load conversation lies an uncomfortable truth: power in heterosexual relationships is often unequally distributed. This imbalance isn’t always about who earns more or who makes the final decisions. It often hides in more subtle places — like who is expected to plan, manage, and emotionally tend to the household. Understanding how this power imbalance shows up is essential to building a truly equal partnership.

Power Isn’t Just About Control When people think of power, they often imagine authority — someone calling the shots or dominating conversations. But in relationships, power is more nuanced. It’s also about who carries the cognitive and emotional responsibilities, who adjusts their needs, and whose priorities take precedence. Power shows up in everyday decisions: Who stays home with a sick child? Who sacrifices work hours for family demands? Who keeps track of the social calendar?

Often, women hold less power not because they are less capable, but because they are expected to absorb more responsibilities by default — especially those that are invisible, like emotional labor, caregiving logistics, and anticipatory planning. Over time, these expectations shape the relationship’s balance.

Examples of Unequal Power Dynamics Power imbalances are woven into small, everyday interactions:

• A woman handles all the family communication with schools and doctors, while her partner isn’t expected to know the details.
  
  

• A man “helps out” with chores but waits to be asked, placing her in the role of manager.
  
  

• When a conflict arises, she worries about keeping the peace, while he feels free to disengage.
  
  

• Her career choices are shaped by childcare logistics, while his remain uninterrupted.
  
  

These imbalances may seem minor in isolation, but together they create a pattern where one partner carries more of the mental, emotional, and logistical load — and that partner is usually the woman.

Emotional Labor and Unequal Consequences Another sign of unequal power is emotional labor: the work of managing feelings — both your own and others'. Women are often expected to smooth over tension, remember how others feel, and take emotional responsibility for the family. If there’s a disagreement, she’s the one who must initiate repair. If someone is upset, she’s expected to notice and respond.

Men may have the freedom to compartmentalize or disconnect in moments of stress, while women are pressured to stay emotionally attuned. This dynamic isn’t just tiring — it can be deeply disempowering. It suggests that her role is to manage the emotional well-being of others, even at the cost of her own.

Real-Life Illustration Greg and Julie are both working parents. But when their youngest child gets sick, Julie is the one who automatically rearranges her schedule to stay home. Greg assumes she’ll handle it — not out of malice, but because that’s what usually happens. Julie reschedules meetings, cancels a dentist appointment, and still tries to get dinner on the table. When Greg comes home and asks how he can help, Julie feels exhausted and frustrated. The imbalance wasn’t just about the sick day — it’s about how she always ends up adjusting, and he never thinks to.

This isn’t about blaming Greg. It’s about the structure they’ve fallen into — one where she holds less power because she’s expected to carry more.

Why This Goes Unseen Power imbalances are hard to notice because they’re normalized. If you’ve grown up in a world where women are expected to manage the home, care for others, and be emotionally available, then it seems natural — even admirable — when a woman takes on these roles. But natural doesn’t mean fair.

When one partner has the option to disengage while the other must stay alert, that’s a power imbalance. When one partner can ignore the details while the other tracks them all, that’s a power imbalance. When one partner is praised for “pitching in” while the other is expected to run the show — that’s power, hidden in plain sight.

Challenging the Dynamic Redistributing power in a relationship means more than sharing tasks. It means sharing responsibility, mental energy, and emotional investment. It means:

• Noticing where your partner adjusts and where you assume
  
  

• Taking ownership of tasks without being asked
  
  

• Initiating emotional check-ins instead of waiting for her to bring it up
  
  

• Reflecting on how your choices affect her bandwidth, time, and peace of mind
  
  

Reflection Prompt Where in your relationship do you have the freedom to opt out, while your partner stays engaged? What responsibilities do you assume she’ll handle — and why?

Conclusion Power in relationships doesn’t always look like control. Sometimes, it looks like freedom — the freedom to disengage, to be forgetful, to take up space without consequence. When that freedom is only granted to one partner, the other pays for it with her time, energy, and mental well-being. Rebalancing the power starts with awareness — and continues with action.

Article 9: Gendered Assumptions About Task Ownership

Introduction In many households, who does what isn’t just based on skills or availability — it’s rooted in deeply ingrained beliefs about gender. These beliefs, often unspoken, shape who is expected to notice what needs to be done, who takes charge without being asked, and who feels responsible when things slip through the cracks. Understanding these assumptions is essential to dismantling the mental load imbalance.

The Default Parent and Manager Women are often expected to take the lead in home and family responsibilities, not because they want to, but because it’s assumed they’re better at it. These expectations can start early in life — girls are often praised for being helpful, tidy, and nurturing, while boys are praised for independence and achievement. By adulthood, these roles have become second nature.

In many heterosexual relationships, this leads to the woman being the “default parent” and household manager. She becomes the one who tracks doctor appointments, monitors emotional needs, coordinates social calendars, and remembers every detail of family life. Meanwhile, the man may view himself as a helper — stepping in when asked, but not seeing these tasks as his core responsibility.

Invisible Scripts in Action These assumptions show up in subtle but powerful ways:

• When a child gets sick, it’s assumed she’ll handle it.
  
  

• When something in the house needs restocking, it’s assumed she’ll notice.
  
  

• When a holiday or event comes up, it’s assumed she’ll plan for it.
  
  

Even when tasks are shared, the underlying assumption often remains: that she is the one responsible unless she delegates or directs.

The Mental Load of Ownership Task ownership isn’t just about doing a job. It’s about carrying the mental weight of remembering, planning, and following through. When men only participate as assistants — waiting to be told what to do — they may be unaware of the deeper burden their partner is carrying.

If she forgets something, the consequences are felt. If he forgets, it’s often seen as a simple mistake. This unequal accountability reinforces the idea that the home is ultimately her domain — a belief that makes it hard to truly share the load.

Real-Life Illustration Julie didn’t choose to be the household manager — it just happened. When their first child was born, she took the lead on feeding schedules, doctor visits, and baby supplies. Greg was helpful and loving, but he followed her lead. Over time, Julie became the expert. Greg defaulted to her knowledge. Now, years later, Julie is exhausted, not just from the tasks but from the constant mental weight of being “in charge” by default.

Greg isn’t trying to avoid responsibility. He simply didn’t realize there was a script — and that he was playing a passive role in it.

Breaking the Script Undoing gendered assumptions takes intention and awareness. It means:

• Questioning who usually notices and initiates tasks
  
  

• Sharing the invisible work, not just the visible chores
  
  

• Accepting accountability for outcomes, not waiting for direction
  
  

• Reframing responsibility as shared ownership, not occasional help
  
  

It also means talking openly about roles and expectations — something many couples avoid until resentment builds.

Reflection Prompt Take a look at your day. What tasks did you take full responsibility for — including noticing, planning, and executing? Are there patterns in your home about who assumes ownership and who follows? What would it take to change those patterns?

Conclusion Gendered assumptions about task ownership are so deeply embedded that they often go unnoticed. But by examining them, questioning them, and consciously shifting the balance, couples can create relationships where both partners are true equals — not just in doing, but in owning the shared life they’re building.