Article 7: Delegating Responsibilities and the Emotional Toll
Introduction Delegating tasks might seem like a straightforward solution to lighten the mental load — but it’s not that simple. For many women, delegating comes with its own burden. It’s not just about handing off a chore; it’s about thinking through what needs to be done, explaining it, monitoring the results, and dealing with the emotional fallout if it doesn’t get done correctly or on time. Delegation, when not approached with care and understanding, can actually add to the load rather than relieve it.
Delegating Is Still Managing When someone asks, “Why didn’t you just ask for help?” it implies that the responsibility still belongs to her — and that asking is a requirement. But when she has to make the mental effort to assign a task, outline the steps, and follow up on the outcome, she hasn’t really been relieved of the responsibility. She’s just extended it into a project-management role.
Delegating also often involves emotional risk. What happens if the task isn’t completed correctly? What if it’s forgotten altogether? The consequences typically fall back on her, especially in households where she’s expected to be the “default parent” or household manager. As a result, many women find it easier to just do the task themselves rather than deal with the mental and emotional effort of delegating it.
The Emotional Toll of Being the Household Manager Being the one who always has to assign tasks reinforces the idea that she’s ultimately in charge of everything. Over time, this imbalance can lead to:
Resentment toward a partner who “helps” rather than shares ownership
Fatigue from always having to think ahead, plan, and track others’ contributions
Feeling unsupported or unseen, even when help is technically offered
A deep sense of loneliness from carrying the invisible responsibility
This emotional weight builds up. It’s not about the task itself — it’s about the responsibility for the task. True relief only happens when the responsibility is shared, not when one partner waits to be directed.
Real-Life Illustration Let’s look at Julie again. She asks Greg to make the kids’ lunches for the next day. Greg says, “Sure!” But instead of taking full ownership, he waits until she reminds him. Then, unsure of what to pack, he asks her what the kids like. After he finishes, he asks her to double-check in the morning. The next morning, she finds out he forgot the ice pack and packed peanuts for the kid whose school is nut-free. So now she’s redoing the lunch, managing the consequences, and feeling frustrated that delegating became more work.
From Greg’s perspective, he did what was asked. But from Julie’s point of view, she had to plan, manage, and fix — which meant she never really got to let go of the responsibility at all.
True Delegation Means Ownership For delegation to be truly helpful, the task has to be owned from start to finish. That means:
Not waiting to be asked
Taking initiative to notice what needs to be done
Managing the details without guidance
Learning preferences, routines, and responsibilities
It also means being willing to take feedback and correct mistakes without defensiveness. Sharing household responsibilities means learning to be equally competent in the details — just like she has.
Reflection Prompt Think of the last time your partner asked for help. Did you take full ownership of the task, or did you rely on her guidance and oversight? What would it look like to own that task entirely, without needing reminders or instructions?
Conclusion Delegating is not a shortcut to equality — it can be a trap that reinforces imbalance. True partnership requires shared ownership of the mental and emotional work behind tasks. By taking initiative and carrying tasks from start to finish, you not only reduce her mental load — you prove that the household belongs to both of you, not just to her.