Article 17: How Men Can Unlearn Patriarchal Habits
Introduction Patriarchy doesn’t just impact women — it also limits men. In heterosexual relationships, many men carry the unconscious influence of patriarchal habits: ideas about gender, leadership, emotional restraint, and division of labor that shape how they engage at home. Unlearning these habits is not a matter of guilt or shame — it’s an opportunity for growth, empathy, and real partnership.
What Are Patriarchal Habits? Patriarchal habits are learned behaviors that support male dominance or centrality — even if unintentionally. These habits show up in many ways:
Waiting to be asked instead of taking initiative
Assuming she’s better at organizing or caregiving
Feeling entitled to rest while she continues working
Tuning out of emotionally complex conversations
Taking leadership in public but deferring at home
These habits aren’t always loud or aggressive. Often, they are quiet, habitual defaults passed down over generations and reinforced by society.
Recognizing What Was Inherited Most men didn’t consciously choose these patterns. They inherited them. If a boy grew up seeing his mom manage the house and his dad relax after work, he absorbed a script. If he watched male characters on TV avoid chores or mock emotional intimacy, he learned what was “normal.”
The first step in unlearning is to recognize these patterns without defensiveness. It’s not about whether you’re a “good guy” — it’s about being willing to reflect and grow.
Real-Life Illustration Greg is surprised when Julie says she feels alone in managing the family’s emotional and logistical needs. “But I help all the time,” he says. And he does — but only after being asked. He hasn’t realized that he’s waiting for direction, defaulting to her leadership, and preserving his mental space while hers is constantly full. He’s not being selfish — he’s following a script he never questioned.
When Greg starts reflecting on his behavior, he begins to see the imbalance. He notices that Julie plans holidays, manages the kids’ schedules, and keeps the household emotionally afloat — all while doing her own job. Greg begins to ask himself not “What do I need to do?” but “What am I not seeing — and how can I show up differently?”
Key Habits to Unlearn Unlearning patriarchal habits is not a one-time task. It’s an ongoing process that includes:
Taking initiative: Notice what needs to be done without being told
Holding emotional space: Practice empathy, curiosity, and vulnerability
Sharing the mental load: Carry the planning, anticipating, and remembering
Valuing domestic work: Treat care work as real work — because it is
Accepting discomfort: Be willing to grow through critique, not retreat from it
What Unlearning Looks Like in Action
Instead of asking, “What do you need me to do?” — scan the environment and take action
Instead of saying, “Just tell me,” — take ownership and learn the details
Instead of defending your intentions — listen to the impact
Unlearning also includes supporting other men in doing the same — talking openly about emotional labor, care work, and equality.
Reflection Prompt What habits or beliefs about gender roles did you absorb growing up? How do they still influence the way you show up in your relationship — especially around shared responsibilities?
Conclusion Unlearning patriarchal habits isn’t about rejecting your identity — it’s about reclaiming your full capacity for empathy, partnership, and emotional depth. It’s about moving beyond cultural defaults and becoming the kind of partner who doesn’t just do their share — but understands what that share really means. This work benefits not just women — but everyone.
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