Article 13: How Boys and Girls Are Socialized Differently
Introduction From toys and television shows to classroom expectations and family roles, children are constantly absorbing messages about what it means to be a boy or a girl. These early influences shape how they see themselves and others — and, later, how they participate in relationships. Understanding how boys and girls are socialized differently helps uncover the roots of unequal mental load distribution in adulthood.
Socialization Starts Early Gender socialization begins the moment a child is born — and sometimes even before. From the color of a baby’s clothes to the kinds of toys they’re given, children are taught what behaviors are expected of them based on gender. Boys are often encouraged to be assertive, physical, and independent. Girls are often praised for being helpful, gentle, and cooperative.
These messages are reinforced by parents, caregivers, teachers, media, and even peers. Over time, they shape a child’s developing sense of identity, influencing how they approach problems, relationships, and responsibilities.
Expectations in Action In school, girls are more likely to be asked to help clean up or assist the teacher. They are praised for being quiet and well-behaved. Boys, meanwhile, are given more freedom to move around, speak up, and take charge. When conflict arises, girls are often asked to resolve it with empathy, while boys are taught to toughen up or walk away.
At home, girls may be expected to help care for siblings, remember birthdays, or set the table — all early forms of caregiving and planning. Boys might be assigned physical chores like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn, which are less cognitively demanding and don’t involve the same emotional awareness.
The Lasting Effects of Childhood Socialization These early experiences lay the foundation for adult behavior. Girls learn to anticipate others’ needs, take responsibility for group dynamics, and smooth over emotional tension. They become the planners, the organizers, the feelers. Boys learn to value autonomy, to avoid emotional expression, and to take a more reactive role in domestic and emotional life.
By adulthood, this often translates to women managing the household’s inner workings, while men wait for direction. She knows what day the library books are due and what snacks each kid prefers. He might ask, “What do you need me to do?” — not because he’s uninterested, but because he was never taught to scan the environment and anticipate needs in the same way.
Real-Life Illustration Julie grew up in a house where she and her sisters were expected to help cook, clean, and babysit, while her brother mowed the lawn and played video games. As an adult, Julie naturally takes the lead in planning family events, packing lunches, and managing the kids’ schedules. Greg, who grew up in a home where his mom handled everything and his dad “relaxed after work,” is willing to help — but waits to be asked. Neither of them questioned the roles they’d learned. Until now.
Why This Matters These learned roles are not just habits — they are identities. And they’re sticky. Even when a man wants to share more equally, he may not know how. Even when a woman wants to hand off responsibilities, she may feel guilty for doing so. This internal tug-of-war is the product of decades of conditioning.
If we want to rebalance the mental load, we have to start by reexamining what we were taught. That means:
Unlearning the belief that caregiving and planning are natural female traits
Encouraging boys to be emotionally expressive and attentive to others
Teaching girls that their worth isn’t based on how much they do for others
Changing the Story It’s never too late to rewrite the narrative. Partners can:
Swap roles for a week and reflect on the experience
Have open conversations about childhood expectations and how they show up now
Actively teach their children — regardless of gender — how to share responsibility, communicate feelings, and plan for others
Reflection Prompt What roles were you expected to play as a child? How do those roles still influence your behavior today — especially around tasks, planning, and emotional labor?
Conclusion The way we were raised has everything to do with the way we relate to each other now. Socialization isn’t destiny — but it is powerful. By identifying and challenging the messages we absorbed as children, we can begin to co-create a new model of partnership — one where both people are seen, valued, and equally responsible for the lives they share.
If you’d like to learn more and gain a better understanding of mental load please read my new book Room in Her Head - now available on Amazon or order in most bookstores.